Everything

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone who’s
As negative as I am sometimes
I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone who’s
As positive as I am sometimes

Sometimes, I wonder how he can love me like he does. Sometimes, I’m the biggest idiot in the world, and he stays with me. I can bottle up feelings like no one else can, and I can be angry for days but I’ll never let him see how frustrated I am. Sometimes, all I see is black and hell-like. In my eyes, things never work out and everything is wrong. But that’s not all the time. I can be the sun itself, always cheering him on and always saying everything will be okay in the end. I can be the dumbest person he’s ever met, and I can be the smartest girl he ever talked to. He’ll laugh at me when I scream and make a fuss over little bugs. And he’ll applaud me with quiet surprise when I jump into black waters, knowing how much it freaks me out.

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

But despite all of me, he stays with me. He loves me for all of what I am. If I’m mad and feel like sulking, he’ll look at me and give me that smile of his. And I’ll smile, no matter how much I still want to sulk and be awful. He thinks I look cute when I get mad, and he’ll kiss my nose and it will throw me off my cursing course and I’ll be calm again. When I try to disguise my wobbly stomach, he’ll expose it and smile as he kisses it all over, just because he loves it and he’ll call me soft. When I say I’m fat and gross, he’ll kiss me and tell me I’m soft and curvy. Everything I try to hide about me, he loves. Nobody can understand me like he can.

I blame everyone else and not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I’m terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone who’s
As closed down as I am sometimes

He’s the one that drags me out into the light, when all I want to do is to hide in the shadows. When everything he says is wrong in my ears, he doesn’t yell or scream at me to lighten the hell up. He’ll let me well in my misery, and then he’ll rescue me from it. Sometimes, I’m sure I go through every possible mood. Sometimes, I’m frustrated and unable to do anything right for an entire day, and I’ll blame my mistakes on everyone else. I can hold him at arm’s length, refusing to let him close. I can cry several times during a day, for no reason. And he goes through it all with me.

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

He loves everything that’s good and bright in me, just as much as he loves all my bad habits and my dark sides. He’ll teach me when there are things I don’t know, and he’ll listen when there are things I know and he doesn’t. He can sit silently, just watching me, for hours without growing tired. He loves the faces I make when I read, how my lips move as I mutely read what I write. When I sing and dance, he watches me with an amused smile on his face, but he never puts me down if I sing out of tune. He never points and laughs if I dance like a fool. He’ll join in with me instead, just to ease my embarrassment when I suddenly see him standing there.

What I resist persists and speaks louder than I know
What I resist you love no matter how low or high I go

I’m the funniest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the dullest woman that you’ve ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who’s as everything as I am sometimes

I can make him laugh out loud, I know just how to put a smile on his face. Sometimes, I must be the most boring person he ever met. I can sit quietly for hours with my nose in a book and say that it’s fun. Or I can sit with headphones on and listen to music, drifting off in my own world, leaving him sat aimlessly in the sofa without anything to do. We’ll go off on adventures together, exploring new places we’ve never been without any map or direction. I can watch him as he potters about the kitchen, because he loves making me breakfast, and my eyes will flood with tears. He’ll look at me and smile, and I’ll be overwhelmed at the love in his face. Sometimes, I cannot believe that the most amazing man alive is my husband. He stays with me, despite all my wrongs and rights. He loves me, because of all that I am and everything I’m not. Sometimes, he’ll tell me he never knew someone as everything as me existed.

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

He loves me when I feel beautiful, and he loves me when I feel ugly. He laughs with me when I’m happy, and he holds me when I’m sad. He adores my face; be it laughing or crying. He fights with me and tells me I’m impossible, he makes love to me and tells me I’m amazing. He finds ways to relate to anything I might go through, and he understands me. He finds my mind intriguing and mysterious, and he can find it an empty place. He worships my body; hidden or exposed. He tells me my heart is bigger than all of me, that my soul is caring. He tells me the truth, whether or not I may want to hear it. He isn’t afraid to show me how he feels, because he is as everything as I am. He loves me deeply; despite and because of all that I am. He stays with me, and he calls me his angel even when we fight.

I love him more than he will ever know.





© “Everything”, Alanis Morissette

© Lady L., 2006

The day after

Yesterday was Norway's "Independence Day", and every little Norwegian were out in the rain and cold to celebrate us being free from every other country.
And today, the party's over.. and I can feel it just slightly pulsating in my temples. It's not a lot of fun being sat at work today, to be honest. I was actually sat outside (!!) yesterday, at a place called Lekter'n with a friend in the seeping rain. We started off freshly with a Bellini, but we quickly discovered that it was hot drinks that were the right ones for the weather, so we changed to a Hot Lumumba (not exactly recommended, should've been more cocoa and less rum in that one..), and it was here that the Irish Coffee made its entry. One of us stopped at this point, wisely enough, she'd had enough after the Lumumba thing, and kept going with a hot chocolate, straight up. To put it like this, there were others (meaning me) that should've stopped there as well. We got company by friend no. 2, and even though I'd actually decided that the Irish Coffee would be the last, I kept going with a Coffee Bailey's. Well, I couldn't let friend no. 2 sit there and drink on her own. That's me; the ever-caring friend. ;o) We left the bar, and started eating ice cream. That's part of the celebration, no matter how God damn fucking freezing it is.

When the time closed on 5pm, we all took the bus back to my house and fell into the sofa with white wine. I had a box of 3 litres of the stuff, so there was nothing holding us back (except our good judgement, but that had left us somewhere between the Hot Lumumba and the first ice cream). The wine flowed freely as it should when you're eating shrimp, and even after both dinner and dessert (yes, more ice cream) had been eaten, we returned again to the sofas with our glasses of wine.

Both friends left the scene of crime around 11pm, and lightly intoxicated I managed to unfold myself from my bunad (don't ask, it's a Norwegian thing), still with my dignity intact, and called my husband-to-be. I suppose he understood something was going on when his otherwise sweet and proper fiancée giggling suggested that she removed his uniform (he was telling me this is something he'd have to wear if he got a job with another company) when he came home from work. And this being said without blushing or showing signs of remorse. He's probably going to get me drunk to provoke the same reaction in the future... help, I'm a little alcoholic waiting to happen.

Join Red

This is a good cause, created by Bono and Bobby Shriver. Its goal is to raise awareness and money for The Global Fund by teaming up with the world's most iconic brands to produce RED-branded products. A certain percentage of each RED product sold, is given to The Global Fund. The money they receive helps women and children with HIV/AIDS in Africa.
Read more about this product under, or go to the homepage on the banner.

PRODUCT RED ENGAGES BIG BUSINESS IN THE FIGHT AGAINST AIDS
Product RED engages big business to raise awareness and funds for The Global Fund to help fight AIDS in Africa. We do this by teaming up with iconic brands. Launch partners are: American Express, Converse, Gap and Giorgio Armani.

RED is a branding mechanism which companies license to sell RED branded products to raise funds for the Global Fund. Companies whose products take on the RED mark make a commitment to contribute a portion of profits from the sales of that product into Global Fund-financed AIDS programmes, with a focus on women and children in Africa.

RED is not a charity or "campaign". It is an economic initiative that aims to deliver a sustainable flow of private sector money to the Global Fund.

RED was created by Bono (U2, singer and activist) and Bobby Shriver (Chairman of DATA – Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa). Both also founded DATA in 2002, an organisation created to put political pressure on world governments to tackle the key issues surrounding debt, AIDS and trade in Africa.

A WORLDWIDE EMERGENCY
Every year 3 million people die from AIDS. Of the 40 million people infected by HIV/AIDS, Africa (which has just over 10% of the world’s population) is home to 60% (25 million). The disease is the leading cause of death in Africa.

Women comprise the fastest growing population group living with HIV/AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa and the result of their illness on children is compelling. Every time a man or woman is started on anti-retroviral drugs, the survival of children becomes less precarious.
An estimated 13 million children in Africa have been orphaned because of HIV/AIDS already and this number is growing. Almost 2000 children, most of them from sub-Saharan Africa, are infected with HIV each day.

THE GLOBAL FUND TO FIGHT AIDS, TUBERCULOSIS AND MALARIA
The Global Fund is the world’s leading funder of programmes to fight AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria. Created in 2002, the Global Fund has committed over $4.5 billion to life-saving programmes in 130 countries and accounts for a quarter of the world’s funding for AIDS programmes in the developing world (over half for malaria and two-thirds for tuberculosis). Global Fund-financed programmes already support nearly half a million people on AIDS treatment, provide over half a million children orphaned by AIDS with medical services, education and community care and reach tens of millions with the knowledge and tools to protect themselves against HIV infection.

The Global Fund is a public-private partnership, governed by representatives of governments, the private sector and civil society from all over the world. It enables countries to design and execute their own programmes, but provides funds only on the basis of proven results. It is a lean institution with operating costs of less than 3%, ensuring that resources go directly to where they are needed most.

The Global Fund needs additional resources from all sectors to continue scaling up the support for life-saving work around the world.

(RED) GUIDING PRINCIPLES:

(RED) believes in expanding opportunities for the people of Africa

(RED) respects its employees and asks its partners to do the same with their employees and the people who help make their products or deliver their services

(RED) promotes HIV/AIDS workplace policies and practices

(RED) sees the power of a (RED) community mobilized for hope, health and progress

(RED) asks its partners to uphold the same principles

Something Beautiful

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who lived far away from each other. But even if they didn't know of each other for many, many years, they always knew in their hearts that the other was out there somewhere. The boy lived in a big country where the sun nearly always shone. At least it did on TV. Far across many miles of land and oceans away was the little country the girl lived in. From the day the boy was born, it would take just about twenty-four years and some months before he even got to know the girl's name for the first time. One night a couple of weeks after his third birthday, the boy saw a little shooting star up on the dark night sky. And as anyone usually did, he made a wish. The moment the shooting star died away, a gentle warmth spread inside the little boy and he smiled. That was the day a little girl was born, in a little country far away from where he was. The little girl nearly didn't live, but the doctors managed to save her life just as a little boy in a big country far away thought of the little shooting star, and felt that warmth inside him again. From that day, twenty-one years and then some months would pass before the boy and the girl met for the very first time.

The boy and the girl became best of friends, and soon they fell in love. That gentle warmth the boy had felt inside ever since he was little was there still. Since he had met the girl, it had only seemed to grow. He had never felt the way he did about anyone before her, and he knew the girl felt exactly the same about him. They knew in their hearts that their love was pure and true, and all they wanted was to be together. But they still lived thousands of miles apart, and sometimes the boy was worried that his girl wouldn't care for him anymore if she saw him. Sometimes the girl was worried that her boy wouldn't care for her anymore if he saw her, too. But then their eyes would find the photos they kept of each other and they would smile and the worry would go away. And that felt good, it made the warmth inside the boy grow a little bit stronger. He knew he could trust her, she wouldn't tell his secrets to anyone. Just as she knew she could trust him.

The girl loved him for who he was. Sometimes at night if she couldn't sleep and she cried because she felt alone and lost, she would think of him. And she would thank him for being the strong and wonderful man he was, and she would thank him for being alive. She had dreamt of being with someone like him since she was little. Someone who would love her for who she was, someone who was something like the fairy tales and love stories she read and created in her head. To her, someone like him was someone good and kind and truthful. Someone gentle, caring, loving and someone who would make all her little hopes and secret wishes come true in one letter, or just with one look. And she wanted to be with him, wanted him to want to be with her.


How the fairy tale ends, no one but the future really knows for sure. Because it is still not finished, there are still chapters left to be written. Still pages waiting to be filled. Still two people waiting for a new day that may find them finally together.
Unfortunately, in this fairy tale there is no fairy Godmother, no good witch, no magic potion or dream dust. Just the kind of love you know is going to last forever, because the feelings inside you have stuck. The butterflies and bubbles that swirl about and tickle your tummy seem to have made permanent residence inside you. The kind of love that breathes life into the little spark of hope that you just might make it if you just hold out a little longer. If you just wait a little longer, something good will happen. Something beautiful will come your way.



© Lady L., 2005

Night And Day

Black. The mysterious colour. Dark and sombre, but still so attractively beautiful. Stab… stab… stab… The stabbing looks and the whispering words stabbed her like needles. Almost so she didn't feel it, but with great enough force to make her bleed. She said nothing, was always quiet. It always stopped after a while, she just received it while it lasted. The teacher walked in, and then it stopped for a while. Until she had to answer something, then it was not only looks she got from Versace, Gucci, Dior and Prada in the room. Then they opened their mouths too, black holes in their faces. Some surrounded by red, purple, beige, whatever was fashion in Milan and Paris. She never gave the wrong answer, knew what she was supposed to, that wasn't why they opened their mouths. It was because she talked. They thought it was amusing. "Look, she speaks!" was the most common and most intelligent comment she got. Versace, Gucci, Dior and Prada thought it was very amusing, because they laughed. She normally just waited until they were quiet before she continued. Her voice was calm, soothing. The words came flowing out of her mouth as if they were carried on cushions of silk. Her finely edged eyes looked calmly ahead. She had an old woman's eyes, she'd been told, eyes filled with knowledge and wisdom.

Night-time was best. Then it was quiet and dark. It was black, magical and mystical. She sat in the windowsill and looked out, breathing in the fresh night air. She was the night; her raven-black hair was the velvety sky, her eyes the mysterious stars, her cheeks the finest clouds and her mouth the most beautiful moon. She let her mind wander while she sat there. Digging in her own head, but she never found the answer to what she sought. Why was everyone alike, so preoccupied with being copies? Everyone isn't everyone, everyone is one. One person, one individual, one style, one taste. Why wasn't it easy to just be who you were? She shrugged and shook her head lightly. "No one knows, yet everyone knows." she thought as her slim fingers entwined around her legs. "No one knows, yet everyone knows." She turned her eyes to the stars, drew lines between them, spelled words.

Versace, Gucci, Dior and Prada were quiet now, some had black streaks down their cheeks. That was not fashion in Milan and Paris, but they wore them either way. Maybe as a sign that the night was over. Gone, never to come again. The day was everything, around them always. They sat in disbelief, the words from the teacher cold and unfriendly. Echoed in Versace, Gucci, Dior and Prada's heads. Gone. "Why is it so difficult to be who we are? No one is everyone, everyone is one. One person, one individual, one style, one taste. A copy of everyone is just a copy, not themselves. Why is it so hard? No one knows, yet everyone knows." she'd said to them when the stabbing of the needles could no longer be received. Then she had walked away, and now? Gone. No more night, just day. "Buried on Friday." said the teacher, his eyes were grey. Clouded over with heavy rain clouds. Never again words carried on silk cushions and eyes filled with knowledge from the night's corner. The sunlight had penetrated the room and taken the dark corner. Everything was bright, and everything was day.

They came then on Friday, like her. Honoured her, only too late. Maybe the night would return if they were it. If they became the night. They looked at one another Versace, Gucci, Dior and Prada. Black. The mysterious colour. Dark and sombre, but still so attractively beautiful.

© Lady L., 2001.

One

A friend once asked me a question, a question that stuck by me for a long time and still hasn't left my mind. It keeps coming back to me at times; prodding my mind, searching for an answer. What if the only thing you ever wanted, was the only thing you could not have? A question that might seem easy enough, but is much harder to answer than ask. Let me tell you a story…

*~*~*

One Second…

That was all it took for me to fall for her. She smiled at me, and I was in love. It's strange thinking back like this, so many years ago, but her face and the scent of her is still fresh in my mind. Nothing can rock the memory of her, nothing. Even if I cease to exist to the rest of the world and drift into a world of my own and all my memories fade, the memory of her will stay with me. How I can tell? Because true love can never fade from your memory, no matter what happens it will always stay. She was all I needed. Just thinking about her makes me smile, can you see it? We had the time of our lives together, her and I. When we got married I cried, all I had ever wanted lay before us. We were together and set to spend the rest of our lives together, one life we would share in the end. My life, and her memory.

One Hour…

The longest of my life. Sitting there in the waiting room, barely able to stand still for more than two minutes. I was so thrilled, all sorts of emotions rushing through my body. We were going to have a child, her and me. A little baby girl. Her water had broke as we sat at breakfast, and I sped to the hospital with her. The doctors placed me in the waiting area, along with other restless fathers-to-be. We all smiled at each other, got talking about our babies and what we would do when they grew up. I've never felt such an atmosphere like in that waiting room, all that excitement and happiness. A few of the men just sat in their chairs with big wide smiles fixed on their faces, while others again were like me. Couldn't sit still, had to move. I wish I could have been there with her, held her hand and helped her through it. Maybe she would have been here now if I had been there. She died, my wife, whilst giving birth to our daughter. She never made it either, her little lungs weren't strong enough. My baby girl died only twenty minutes after her mother, and I never got a chance to hold her while she was alive. It may sound strange, but when they died a part of me died too. I knew they were gone even before the doctor came in to get me. My two angels had left me alone here on earth. Just the memory of them left.

One Day…

The longest, most painful of my life. I remember cursing everything I could think of; the sun for shining when she wasn't around to enjoy it anymore, the rain for falling when she wasn't around to dance in it, the birds for singing when she wasn't around to listen, me for living when my life could have been taken instead of hers. One night when the rain fell heavily against the ground, just after they had passed on, I stood in our garden screaming at the skies. The only thing I wanted, and still want to this day, are their lives back. I want their lives given back to them, so they can spend them with me like we planned. Just one more chance. That is all I ever want, but also the one thing that can never be granted to me. I know that now, I've settled with it. But that doesn't stop me from missing my wife, every minute of every day. And my baby girl, I miss them so much it hurts inside. Can you see it in my eyes?
The day I buried them was the hardest of my life, but something told me that they wanted me to go on and live our life as if they were there. So I have, lived it the way we planned and I will do so till the day I am no more.

One Lifetime, One Eternity…

That's how long I have missed them and how long I will continue to love them. I have lost count over how many times I've prayed and wished for a chance to give them their lives back, and I cannot remember ever wanting anything so badly or more in my entire lifetime. But not even modern technology can help me with this; nothing can ever bring me the only thing I ever truly want. Their lifetime here on earth wasn't meant to be a long one, mine was. My lifetime I spent living like we would have, with them both in my heart. Now my lifetime has passed too, and I know that tonight when I turn out the lights I will see them again. It has been sixty-three years since my wife gave her yes to me, and sixty years since she and my little girl passed away. Now, at the age of eighty-five, I love them both just as much as I did sixty years ago. And when I see them tonight after the lights have all burned out, we will spend eternity together. Just like we set out to do from the very first second our eyes met.

What if the only thing you ever wanted, is the only thing you could not have? That is a question for each individual to find their own answer to. No philosopher or professor will ever find an answer that goes for all, for it is in the hearts and minds of each man and woman that their answer lays. All they have to do is to find the right way through the maze of wishes…

*~*~*




© Lady L., 2001.